Writing is my catharsis . . .

I don't ever want to have the dreams I had last night again. Maybe it was the wine mixed with the headache meds I took, maybe it was just stress, maybe it was lack of sleep but I think it was my subconscious talking to me . . . Very seldom do I have waves of sadness that grip me so suddenly and unfortunately it happened this morning on my way to work. I can’t deal with the questions that come up nor provide answers for them at the moment. I know that it is part of the process of letting go and getting in touch with reality. But right now isn’t the right time to get into these feelings, I need to go down to Boston and have a talk with a good friend. I need to cry and right now that isn’t really possible. I need that point of catharsis but I don’t have the outlet that I need. I think I may take a side-track after work today and go to the lake, sit and think about things. This is the point where I really wish I were in Alabama surrounded by my sisters and my friends. I need a shoulder of support. I didn’t realize exactly how bad I was denying this hurt but it will pass. It has to pass.

There are just so many questions that I have burning inside of me – so many things that I have left unsaid. I don’t want to burden anyone with it, so I kept it inside and I hope for the best, put on a brave face but my heart strings are unraveling like a loose thread on a seam. Maybe I have been too reflective lately and that’s why this is stirring up. Everything else in my life is going well except for this thing. Every time I look towards that part of my life – I just don’t understand what’s going on and I am sick of hoping for the best. I guess I am starting to deal with reality and not living in the protective fantasy world (not really fantasy but that’s the only word I can come up with at the moment). I guess I just have to face reality but I’m not sure that I am really ready and I’m not sure I can do it alone.

It’s funny; this is the one part of my life where it doesn’t seem like the sun is shining. I wonder how I can get it to do so . . . ahh me, I do feel better now, writing always helps. To be honest, I don't think I am really ready to talk about it without breaking down yet but I'll get there. I just need some sunshine on my face.