Love Me Tonight & Tomorrow

Spend time with me tonight

Come to bed with me

Lay down crisp sheets

Rest your head 'bout my soft breasts

Just be with me

Rest without distraction

Caress my body with your touch

Spoil me with sweet words

And love me with your hands

Sleep softly, holding me

Until faint sunlight breaks

Across naked flesh and twisted sheets

Wake with me to face the day

Telling me you love me

And you'll be here always.

Feelings

Race, race, race

No end in sight

Over analyzing

Over thinking

Confused—

Don’t know what

To feel, to say

To be

I just am.

Lost in a sea

Of thought

Of time

Of longing

Regret – no

Dismay – yes

Something is broken

I just don’t know

What it is

The hands on the clock

The beat of a heart?

No – none of these

But what?

I question

I find no answers

And I yearn for them

I want them

Though I wait

Nothing seems to come

I suppose a longer time

Must have to pass

Before I understand

But what must I

Undergo in this time?

Can my heart take it?

Yes, my heart is strong

My love even more

I just feel changes

And I know it’s

Just a valley

But right now

It seems so deep

Locked in winter

Locked in sleep.

What pains me most

Is the space between

The gap that lingers

On this long road

I just don’t understand

I don’t want

To be second

Though I don’t always

Need to be first

Why this conundrum?

Why these thoughts?

I never second guess

Nor do I now –

But I wonder

Why the space

That seems to linger?

I feel an absence

I don’t know

As to why

But it lingers

Nonetheless

In those few gentle moments

It doesn’t matter much

But in others

It feels so deep.

Maybe I feel too much

Maybe I am wrong

As so often

I seem to find myself,

But perhaps,

No – wrong

Waiting is the answer

Waiting is the key

I must wait

What else can I do?

So steadfast my heart

Beat gently

Beat slowly

Beat deeply

Hold to the precious

Few moments

And live through the space

Keep busy

Beep quiet

Hold true to your course

You know where it leads

And this

Among all things

Shall pass –

To Everyone Out There

Hey all! I am currently waiting for my lovely beau to finish www.sandalgal.com which will become my online portfolio and writing base. As of right now, I am currently working on a few other projects also which will be combined into that site also like sandalgal.drupalgardens.com. There I am working on my Weight Watchers journey and I will post stuff like that on my website upon completion - date TBD of course.

My manuscript is in an editing phase and the goal this year is to submit it for publication. Stay tuned for edits of old poems and the new and improved copy - I'm really excited about all of this.

You know how to reach me - sandalgal@gmail.com or @sandalgal on twitter.

Tschüß!

For @webkenny

When my mind turns
To thoughts of you
Me heart smiles.
To enjoy a few moments
By your side
Is worth more to me
Than a hundred diamonds,
Because those moment
Though however few they may be,
Are the sweetest moments of my day.
I would trade a thousand days
To wake up one morning
Inside your arms.

Who you are
Makes my heart wish so
And everything within me
Wants to be with you always
Whether you are sleeping
Or awake where I can see your smile.
To be with you
Is the greatest honor I have
To love you
Is my greatest privilege
And to be a part of your world
Is a dream come true---

Ugh...that's the only title I can think of...

Late at night, when I find myself alone with only my thoughts and the occasional purring cat wanting attention, I wonder about so many things. There is a lot of my mind lately. You would think in these late hours that I would find some sort of solace but I haven't really found any lately. I don't know where I am going and I feel really lost and stuck where I am. Things aren't going as smoothly as I would have hoped. I wanted a new job by now, I wanted so many things by now but they haven't really happened. Maybe there is some divine plan at work but I can't really see it all that well at the moment. I just don't know what to think. I haven't really written anything in a while and I want to but I don't really have it in me to write. Which, is itself, a very strange thing. As I am writing at the moment, it is more a segment of thoughts than really writing. I feel behind in everything. I know that I have a lot of work to do at my job but I find myself so apathetic and disinterested that I can't stay in that little 'Dilbert' world more than an hour without getting antsy. I really don't know how I am going to get out of it either. It seems as if the job market it stuffed with applications and only a few jobs. I don't want to be stuck in a job where I work autonomously either any more because that's just not me, I really need people.

So I guess this is where I am, stuck and lost. Will things change? Yes, they are going to have to because I refuse to sit on a plateau of any sort or become stagnant. I also am going to have to move soon and things are going to be different around where I am living at the moment because the dynamic is changing. Sadly but yet probably for the best. Things weren't exactly what I expected but they could have been a lot worse. All things considered, I am ready for my own space of some sort. Ready to have something to call my own. Ready for a home.

I think that is what has unsettled me the most, the fact that I feel as if I don't have a place to call home anymore. While I do sleep here, I just don't honestly find it my space or a home that I can call my own. I just feel unsettled and on egg shells, which is probably just my fault but I don't know what, if anything, could have eased that feeling. So that's what I am ready for, a home. A new beginning that is all my own and on my own terms without having impositions or anything of that nature upon me.

4 Months - Continued

I just feel like a mess. I don't know how to make it better. I should be over this - it shouldn't feel so raw like it does. I guess it hurts worse because I gave up everything to come up here. All my friends, all my support to come up here and take care of my dad. But then again, I don't feel very lovable right now. I feel damaged and I don't understand how anyone could love me right now.

Mother Teresa said "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I don't understand this because if you love so much it hurts so much more. I wish I could understand this but I just don't. It doesn't seem possible to me right now.

I don't feel right, I want to run away from the pain, run away from it all and forget - but that will never happen. Not because I'm scared but because I am through with running away from things. Things have never been easy for me, I don't know why I thought things in my life were going to be right now. Here I am karma - where the heck are you??? Isn't it my turn to have the other side fo the whell and get some good fortune in my life?

4 Months

It’s been 4 months. Time flies. It’s been 4 months. It still feels like yesterday.

I thought I was getting better. I thought I was healing. I thought that it would fade. I thought wrong. I’m still damaged. Still not whole. I don’t think it’s fair. With father’s day coming up, I keep trying to avoid the card stores. I don’t want to have to even think about it. I wanted to think it was all a bad dream or something. I don’t know what to do to help ease this pain. I am sick of living with this hole inside of me and so sick of having to deal with the pain. All things considered, I shouldn’t have to do this alone but that’s where I am, the only one who can take care of this. The one left with all the strings to weave back together.

My sister texted me and reminded me of what today was – 4 months. She’s hurting. She’s hurting and there is nothing that I can do about it. My brother won’t even talk about it. How am I supposed to fix it when I can’t even be there for them? How can I fix it for them when I am still a mess about it emotionally?

Stupid thing about cancer – leaves you reeling with no answers. No apologies. No more tomorrows.

Coffee Manifesto

When it becomes necessary for one to demonstrate the rights to a good cup of percolated coffee (herby known under various names) a manifesto must be created for we know that all coffee was not created equal and by right, we have the choice to indulge ourselves in whatever fashion we like. The following truths are upheld by those who form resistance to the conformity supported by the masses:

1. Decaffeinated coffee is not real coffee and shall never be served to unsuspecting parties disguised as real coffee. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Anyone caught doing so is subject to physical repercussions caused by lack of caffeine intake from the afflicted party. (Exceptions will be made at the afflicted’s discretion)



2. One kind of coffee is not suitable for all, therefore multiple selections must be provided. The average cup o’ Joe to barely keep America running is hereby banned.



3. The international conspiracy regarding coffee as been discovered and should hereby be dissolved. All the Communist Pots should be destroyed…

The French can no longer be fussy about their roast!
The Columbians must free the blend!
The Arabians must percolate correctly!
As for the British…we refuse your tea!

Thus we hereby refuse to settle for the average cup of Joe that is ‘brewed’ to keep us weak and unable to work. We demand the best! Hear our cry: Free Joe! Joe for Industry!

~ Viva La Coffee ~

Perspective

Either you can focus on what you have or what you don’t have – it’s about the way that you look at things. I have to keep telling myself this as I struggle with the fact that my birthday is coming up. Struggle? Yeah, you read it right. I’m struggling with the fact that this will be the first birthday that I won’t have my father around to celebrate with, struggling with the fact that it is going to be hard not to have another birthday card or phone call. It’s hard. It hurts. I don’t think I can even express it adequately. But instead of focusing on the pain that I feel because of this, I’m trying to focus on what I do have. I have a loving and wonderful boyfriend, a few wonderful friends and other things to celebrate with. I’ve been a little irritable the past few days, just because there has been so much on my heart and I have anticipated this week with such uncertainty.

But back to perspective – before I digress further into misgivings. I am going to look at the rest of this week as positively as possible. Things could be a lot worse and I am very thankful for what I have. I think that it’s human nature within us that wants more. Don’t get me wrong, I have all that I need – but all that I want? No. What is it that leaves us wanting more when all of our needs are met? I think it’s lack of perspective. It’s not all about me. It’s not as bad as it seems. One of my favorite phrases (ask anyone) is ‘it could be worse’ and that’s very true most of the time. But when you’re going through hard times, that doesn’t make things any easier.

It’s been a crappy week with computer failure, sickness, stress, pain, aggravation, bad news and so many other things. I was being a bit of a princess about some things and I called myself out on it last night. I kept getting aggravated that it’s MY birthday week and EVERYTHING bad is happening. If birthdays are SO special, then why does this week suck? – In complete and total princess mode. I don’t get this way very often but I had to snap out of it. I know it’s due to the fact that I have been dealing with a lot and am stressed to boot about things. I don’t show it very well on the outside and I can act like everything is okay, even when I am a complete mess. I mastered that a long time ago – not that it’s healthy, it’s just the way it is. I hate it at times. There’s a lot going on with me right now, I’m just kind of a jumble and I need to work on my own perspective.

Birthday Thoughts

Birthdays weren’t really a big thing for me for a long time. When I was younger, birthdays were okay but in middle school and high school it wasn’t anything at all. College made them special again for me when Joanna brought me a cake and made sure that people were there to celebrate with me. It was special again. Last year was not a fun birthday. On the day I turned 23, I was at the hospital bringing my father to appointments. Looking back on it, I guess I could have had a worse day but this year I am very grateful that I do not have to spend it in the hospital again and that I get to spend it with someone very special. That means the world to me: more than any gift, above all, I love the gift of time. So here’s to a good birthday week ahead and a good birthday in general. 24 looks bright and welcoming, here's to May 7th.