Hey all! I am currently waiting for my lovely beau to finish www.sandalgal.com which will become my online portfolio and writing base. As of right now, I am currently working on a few other projects also which will be combined into that site also like sandalgal.drupalgardens.com. There I am working on my Weight Watchers journey and I will post stuff like that on my website upon completion - date TBD of course.
My manuscript is in an editing phase and the goal this year is to submit it for publication. Stay tuned for edits of old poems and the new and improved copy - I'm really excited about all of this.
You know how to reach me - sandalgal@gmail.com or @sandalgal on twitter.
Tschüß!
Showing posts with label General Entry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label General Entry. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Friday, June 11, 2010
Ugh...that's the only title I can think of...
Late at night, when I find myself alone with only my thoughts and the occasional purring cat wanting attention, I wonder about so many things. There is a lot of my mind lately. You would think in these late hours that I would find some sort of solace but I haven't really found any lately. I don't know where I am going and I feel really lost and stuck where I am. Things aren't going as smoothly as I would have hoped. I wanted a new job by now, I wanted so many things by now but they haven't really happened. Maybe there is some divine plan at work but I can't really see it all that well at the moment. I just don't know what to think. I haven't really written anything in a while and I want to but I don't really have it in me to write. Which, is itself, a very strange thing. As I am writing at the moment, it is more a segment of thoughts than really writing. I feel behind in everything. I know that I have a lot of work to do at my job but I find myself so apathetic and disinterested that I can't stay in that little 'Dilbert' world more than an hour without getting antsy. I really don't know how I am going to get out of it either. It seems as if the job market it stuffed with applications and only a few jobs. I don't want to be stuck in a job where I work autonomously either any more because that's just not me, I really need people.
So I guess this is where I am, stuck and lost. Will things change? Yes, they are going to have to because I refuse to sit on a plateau of any sort or become stagnant. I also am going to have to move soon and things are going to be different around where I am living at the moment because the dynamic is changing. Sadly but yet probably for the best. Things weren't exactly what I expected but they could have been a lot worse. All things considered, I am ready for my own space of some sort. Ready to have something to call my own. Ready for a home.
I think that is what has unsettled me the most, the fact that I feel as if I don't have a place to call home anymore. While I do sleep here, I just don't honestly find it my space or a home that I can call my own. I just feel unsettled and on egg shells, which is probably just my fault but I don't know what, if anything, could have eased that feeling. So that's what I am ready for, a home. A new beginning that is all my own and on my own terms without having impositions or anything of that nature upon me.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
4 Months - Continued
I just feel like a mess. I don't know how to make it better. I should be over this - it shouldn't feel so raw like it does. I guess it hurts worse because I gave up everything to come up here. All my friends, all my support to come up here and take care of my dad. But then again, I don't feel very lovable right now. I feel damaged and I don't understand how anyone could love me right now.
Mother Teresa said "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I don't understand this because if you love so much it hurts so much more. I wish I could understand this but I just don't. It doesn't seem possible to me right now.
I don't feel right, I want to run away from the pain, run away from it all and forget - but that will never happen. Not because I'm scared but because I am through with running away from things. Things have never been easy for me, I don't know why I thought things in my life were going to be right now. Here I am karma - where the heck are you??? Isn't it my turn to have the other side fo the whell and get some good fortune in my life?
Mother Teresa said "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I don't understand this because if you love so much it hurts so much more. I wish I could understand this but I just don't. It doesn't seem possible to me right now.
I don't feel right, I want to run away from the pain, run away from it all and forget - but that will never happen. Not because I'm scared but because I am through with running away from things. Things have never been easy for me, I don't know why I thought things in my life were going to be right now. Here I am karma - where the heck are you??? Isn't it my turn to have the other side fo the whell and get some good fortune in my life?
4 Months
It’s been 4 months. Time flies. It’s been 4 months. It still feels like yesterday.
I thought I was getting better. I thought I was healing. I thought that it would fade. I thought wrong. I’m still damaged. Still not whole. I don’t think it’s fair. With father’s day coming up, I keep trying to avoid the card stores. I don’t want to have to even think about it. I wanted to think it was all a bad dream or something. I don’t know what to do to help ease this pain. I am sick of living with this hole inside of me and so sick of having to deal with the pain. All things considered, I shouldn’t have to do this alone but that’s where I am, the only one who can take care of this. The one left with all the strings to weave back together.
My sister texted me and reminded me of what today was – 4 months. She’s hurting. She’s hurting and there is nothing that I can do about it. My brother won’t even talk about it. How am I supposed to fix it when I can’t even be there for them? How can I fix it for them when I am still a mess about it emotionally?
Stupid thing about cancer – leaves you reeling with no answers. No apologies. No more tomorrows.
I thought I was getting better. I thought I was healing. I thought that it would fade. I thought wrong. I’m still damaged. Still not whole. I don’t think it’s fair. With father’s day coming up, I keep trying to avoid the card stores. I don’t want to have to even think about it. I wanted to think it was all a bad dream or something. I don’t know what to do to help ease this pain. I am sick of living with this hole inside of me and so sick of having to deal with the pain. All things considered, I shouldn’t have to do this alone but that’s where I am, the only one who can take care of this. The one left with all the strings to weave back together.
My sister texted me and reminded me of what today was – 4 months. She’s hurting. She’s hurting and there is nothing that I can do about it. My brother won’t even talk about it. How am I supposed to fix it when I can’t even be there for them? How can I fix it for them when I am still a mess about it emotionally?
Stupid thing about cancer – leaves you reeling with no answers. No apologies. No more tomorrows.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Coffee Manifesto
When it becomes necessary for one to demonstrate the rights to a good cup of percolated coffee (herby known under various names) a manifesto must be created for we know that all coffee was not created equal and by right, we have the choice to indulge ourselves in whatever fashion we like. The following truths are upheld by those who form resistance to the conformity supported by the masses:
1. Decaffeinated coffee is not real coffee and shall never be served to unsuspecting parties disguised as real coffee. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Anyone caught doing so is subject to physical repercussions caused by lack of caffeine intake from the afflicted party. (Exceptions will be made at the afflicted’s discretion)
2. One kind of coffee is not suitable for all, therefore multiple selections must be provided. The average cup o’ Joe to barely keep America running is hereby banned.
3. The international conspiracy regarding coffee as been discovered and should hereby be dissolved. All the Communist Pots should be destroyed…
The French can no longer be fussy about their roast!
The Columbians must free the blend!
The Arabians must percolate correctly!
As for the British…we refuse your tea!
Thus we hereby refuse to settle for the average cup of Joe that is ‘brewed’ to keep us weak and unable to work. We demand the best! Hear our cry: Free Joe! Joe for Industry!
~ Viva La Coffee ~
1. Decaffeinated coffee is not real coffee and shall never be served to unsuspecting parties disguised as real coffee. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Anyone caught doing so is subject to physical repercussions caused by lack of caffeine intake from the afflicted party. (Exceptions will be made at the afflicted’s discretion)
2. One kind of coffee is not suitable for all, therefore multiple selections must be provided. The average cup o’ Joe to barely keep America running is hereby banned.
3. The international conspiracy regarding coffee as been discovered and should hereby be dissolved. All the Communist Pots should be destroyed…
The French can no longer be fussy about their roast!
The Columbians must free the blend!
The Arabians must percolate correctly!
As for the British…we refuse your tea!
Thus we hereby refuse to settle for the average cup of Joe that is ‘brewed’ to keep us weak and unable to work. We demand the best! Hear our cry: Free Joe! Joe for Industry!
~ Viva La Coffee ~
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Perspective
Either you can focus on what you have or what you don’t have – it’s about the way that you look at things. I have to keep telling myself this as I struggle with the fact that my birthday is coming up. Struggle? Yeah, you read it right. I’m struggling with the fact that this will be the first birthday that I won’t have my father around to celebrate with, struggling with the fact that it is going to be hard not to have another birthday card or phone call. It’s hard. It hurts. I don’t think I can even express it adequately. But instead of focusing on the pain that I feel because of this, I’m trying to focus on what I do have. I have a loving and wonderful boyfriend, a few wonderful friends and other things to celebrate with. I’ve been a little irritable the past few days, just because there has been so much on my heart and I have anticipated this week with such uncertainty.
But back to perspective – before I digress further into misgivings. I am going to look at the rest of this week as positively as possible. Things could be a lot worse and I am very thankful for what I have. I think that it’s human nature within us that wants more. Don’t get me wrong, I have all that I need – but all that I want? No. What is it that leaves us wanting more when all of our needs are met? I think it’s lack of perspective. It’s not all about me. It’s not as bad as it seems. One of my favorite phrases (ask anyone) is ‘it could be worse’ and that’s very true most of the time. But when you’re going through hard times, that doesn’t make things any easier.
It’s been a crappy week with computer failure, sickness, stress, pain, aggravation, bad news and so many other things. I was being a bit of a princess about some things and I called myself out on it last night. I kept getting aggravated that it’s MY birthday week and EVERYTHING bad is happening. If birthdays are SO special, then why does this week suck? – In complete and total princess mode. I don’t get this way very often but I had to snap out of it. I know it’s due to the fact that I have been dealing with a lot and am stressed to boot about things. I don’t show it very well on the outside and I can act like everything is okay, even when I am a complete mess. I mastered that a long time ago – not that it’s healthy, it’s just the way it is. I hate it at times. There’s a lot going on with me right now, I’m just kind of a jumble and I need to work on my own perspective.
But back to perspective – before I digress further into misgivings. I am going to look at the rest of this week as positively as possible. Things could be a lot worse and I am very thankful for what I have. I think that it’s human nature within us that wants more. Don’t get me wrong, I have all that I need – but all that I want? No. What is it that leaves us wanting more when all of our needs are met? I think it’s lack of perspective. It’s not all about me. It’s not as bad as it seems. One of my favorite phrases (ask anyone) is ‘it could be worse’ and that’s very true most of the time. But when you’re going through hard times, that doesn’t make things any easier.
It’s been a crappy week with computer failure, sickness, stress, pain, aggravation, bad news and so many other things. I was being a bit of a princess about some things and I called myself out on it last night. I kept getting aggravated that it’s MY birthday week and EVERYTHING bad is happening. If birthdays are SO special, then why does this week suck? – In complete and total princess mode. I don’t get this way very often but I had to snap out of it. I know it’s due to the fact that I have been dealing with a lot and am stressed to boot about things. I don’t show it very well on the outside and I can act like everything is okay, even when I am a complete mess. I mastered that a long time ago – not that it’s healthy, it’s just the way it is. I hate it at times. There’s a lot going on with me right now, I’m just kind of a jumble and I need to work on my own perspective.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Birthday Thoughts
Birthdays weren’t really a big thing for me for a long time. When I was younger, birthdays were okay but in middle school and high school it wasn’t anything at all. College made them special again for me when Joanna brought me a cake and made sure that people were there to celebrate with me. It was special again. Last year was not a fun birthday. On the day I turned 23, I was at the hospital bringing my father to appointments. Looking back on it, I guess I could have had a worse day but this year I am very grateful that I do not have to spend it in the hospital again and that I get to spend it with someone very special. That means the world to me: more than any gift, above all, I love the gift of time. So here’s to a good birthday week ahead and a good birthday in general. 24 looks bright and welcoming, here's to May 7th.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Life, spring...change?
With every step
A quiet victory
And with each breath
A simple definace.
Treading onward
Ignoring the fatality
Ignoring the futility
Dancing all the same
Regardless of the mist
Chasing our hearts
Robbing our flesh
Killing us slowly.
The dance is what matters
It's always what mattered
Some people only live to die
But others live to dance...
A quiet victory
And with each breath
A simple definace.
Treading onward
Ignoring the fatality
Ignoring the futility
Dancing all the same
Regardless of the mist
Chasing our hearts
Robbing our flesh
Killing us slowly.
The dance is what matters
It's always what mattered
Some people only live to die
But others live to dance...
“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” - Abraham Lincoln
If I have learned anything in the past 3 months it is that nothing is permanent and you never know what is around the corner. If you had told me 3 years ago that my father was going to die from cancer, I would probably have laughed at you. It's amazing how perspective changes so quickly and so greatly. I've been thinking about the above quote a lot lately. I don't know exactly why but I know it has a lot to do with a corner that I am turning soon.
I'm am actually looking forward to my 24th birthday here in a little bit. I think that it will be a good year, a year of healing and a year of new beginnings. I am trying to consider it my spring.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Burnt
You know what its like when every part of your body hurts and you're sore all over? That's how my heart feels right now. I'm so raw and I thought that it was starting to get better. I thought I was begining to heal but I guess not, still feels like an open bleeding wound. I don't want to go to this memorial service or rememberance service. I don't want to have to deal with doing the estate any longer. I don't want to have to do this anymore. I want to run away from this pain because I'm sick of it creeping up on me. I'm sick of the tears that come and go, the ones that soak my pillow at night, the ones that feel like fire on my face. I just feel so raw some days.
Yesterday was hard, it was 3 months yesterday. I was alone. I had a rough day. And I broke down before I could go to sleep. I didn't feel any better after crying. I feel like everyone expects me to be over this and I just can't be, I don't know how to be. I am going on with my life but my heart still hurts. It aches and doesn't seem whole. I don't think that I will feel whole again for a long time. I felt like I was going to be okay two weeks ago but now I just feel broken. I don't think I could handle another blow right now without just completely breaking down emotionally.
On top of all that, my boyfriend is in San Francisco for a week at a conference and I haven't seen him since 5am saturday morning. We've barely talked on top of that. So who cares if he is just three thousand miles away, it feels like a million miles away. When he gets back I won't be seeing him until Friday night probably. Since we started dating, we haven't gone more than 2 days without seeing eachother, so a break in the routine really sends me reeling.
I guess everything is just hard right now, there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait through it. I'm sick of just sitting on the side. Sick of all this, I need a vacation.
Yesterday was hard, it was 3 months yesterday. I was alone. I had a rough day. And I broke down before I could go to sleep. I didn't feel any better after crying. I feel like everyone expects me to be over this and I just can't be, I don't know how to be. I am going on with my life but my heart still hurts. It aches and doesn't seem whole. I don't think that I will feel whole again for a long time. I felt like I was going to be okay two weeks ago but now I just feel broken. I don't think I could handle another blow right now without just completely breaking down emotionally.
On top of all that, my boyfriend is in San Francisco for a week at a conference and I haven't seen him since 5am saturday morning. We've barely talked on top of that. So who cares if he is just three thousand miles away, it feels like a million miles away. When he gets back I won't be seeing him until Friday night probably. Since we started dating, we haven't gone more than 2 days without seeing eachother, so a break in the routine really sends me reeling.
I guess everything is just hard right now, there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait through it. I'm sick of just sitting on the side. Sick of all this, I need a vacation.
About Me
So I was asked if there was a list about me or something about me in general and I realized there was not really anything about me written anywhere except my facebook profile and even that was a little stark. Thus I embarked on writing this list about me; you can thank @spreadingJoy for the inspiration.
1. I am an absolute sucker for a good horror novel, Stephen King in particular.
2. I don’t watch all that much television nor many movies but I am a complete sucker for cheap/horribly made disaster flicks. You know those ones that run on SyFy all day and you can buy at Walmart in a five pack? Yeah . . .
3. I absolutely love people. I’m not in a position where I work with a lot of people at the moment but I love being around people and meeting new people.
4. If I had to choose only one thing to have in my life, for the rest of my life, it would be a family. I cannot wait to be a mother and a wife. If there is one thing that I can be good at – that’s what I want it to be.
5. I hate talking on the phone. I will email, text, twitter, facebook, talk in person etc. but there is something so impersonal about the telephone that I can’t get over.
6. I’ve never been to Florida – ever.
7. My ultimate goal in life is to be a published writer. I love to write and do it in one way or another every day.
8. I absolutely hate hot cereal – oatmeal, mapo, grits – you name it, I can’t stand it. I don’t like bananas either (I know I’m weird).
9. Behind the wheel I change into a completely different person. I hate people who cannot drive. Gas is on the right, get on it or get over! (AKA Road Rage Schizophrenia)
10. I can make a nickel spend like a dime. I have a knack for getting deals anywhere and everywhere. I coupon and can sniff out a discount lots of places…need help with an online deal? I can probably make that happen if you give me some time. (I’m just sayin’)
11. My worst fear is drowning – I won’t swim in the ocean at all, rapids scare me but I will swim and am a very strong swimmer. I still go to the beach often though.
12. I read a lot, anything and everything.
13. Too much caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. (Like I said, I’m weird)
14. I’m a diehard Yankees fan in the middle of Red Sox nation…I’m a fanatic regarding my boys. Nothing comes between me and Yankees baseball…seriously you should see my twitter feed on game days.
15. I can cook just about anything and am very good at it. I can provide samples for your approval.
16. I am quiet to some extent and won’t waste words; I never say anything that I don’t mean.
17. I enjoy being in the background for the most part and helping people climb higher and supporting them. There are times when I want the spotlight but those are few and far between.
18. I love musicals – I like performing in them even more! (yes, I can sing, I just don’t do it very often)
19. I am named after Tegan Jovanka a character in Dr. Who (the original)
20. I like to organize and make sure that things are in proper order BUT my room and my Jeep are ALWAYS a mess because they are my dumping grounds. (Don’t judge me! LOL)
21. I have a thing for pens . . . if I like them, I buy them and I will try one if it looks cool. I have LOTS of pens.
22. My parents always told me that my middle name was ‘Grace’ because I absolutely have none in most situations. I have been known to walk into walls, doors, trip, fall and spill just about anything and everything.
23. Without my contacts/glasses I’m blind as a bat.
24. I keep a design book where I pick out furnishings for my dream home and clip things to put into it. My dream house is a log cabin on about 100 acres of hardwood with a lake or stream with a large garden and a few meadows.
25. I love my cat but I’m a dog person. I want a black lab and a great dane. I hate small dogs, they bother me and I’m always afraid that I am going to step on them or kick them accidentally.
I suppose I will update this as I go along . . . but here's a basic list for now!
1. I am an absolute sucker for a good horror novel, Stephen King in particular.
2. I don’t watch all that much television nor many movies but I am a complete sucker for cheap/horribly made disaster flicks. You know those ones that run on SyFy all day and you can buy at Walmart in a five pack? Yeah . . .
3. I absolutely love people. I’m not in a position where I work with a lot of people at the moment but I love being around people and meeting new people.
4. If I had to choose only one thing to have in my life, for the rest of my life, it would be a family. I cannot wait to be a mother and a wife. If there is one thing that I can be good at – that’s what I want it to be.
5. I hate talking on the phone. I will email, text, twitter, facebook, talk in person etc. but there is something so impersonal about the telephone that I can’t get over.
6. I’ve never been to Florida – ever.
7. My ultimate goal in life is to be a published writer. I love to write and do it in one way or another every day.
8. I absolutely hate hot cereal – oatmeal, mapo, grits – you name it, I can’t stand it. I don’t like bananas either (I know I’m weird).
9. Behind the wheel I change into a completely different person. I hate people who cannot drive. Gas is on the right, get on it or get over! (AKA Road Rage Schizophrenia)
10. I can make a nickel spend like a dime. I have a knack for getting deals anywhere and everywhere. I coupon and can sniff out a discount lots of places…need help with an online deal? I can probably make that happen if you give me some time. (I’m just sayin’)
11. My worst fear is drowning – I won’t swim in the ocean at all, rapids scare me but I will swim and am a very strong swimmer. I still go to the beach often though.
12. I read a lot, anything and everything.
13. Too much caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. (Like I said, I’m weird)
14. I’m a diehard Yankees fan in the middle of Red Sox nation…I’m a fanatic regarding my boys. Nothing comes between me and Yankees baseball…seriously you should see my twitter feed on game days.
15. I can cook just about anything and am very good at it. I can provide samples for your approval.
16. I am quiet to some extent and won’t waste words; I never say anything that I don’t mean.
17. I enjoy being in the background for the most part and helping people climb higher and supporting them. There are times when I want the spotlight but those are few and far between.
18. I love musicals – I like performing in them even more! (yes, I can sing, I just don’t do it very often)
19. I am named after Tegan Jovanka a character in Dr. Who (the original)
20. I like to organize and make sure that things are in proper order BUT my room and my Jeep are ALWAYS a mess because they are my dumping grounds. (Don’t judge me! LOL)
21. I have a thing for pens . . . if I like them, I buy them and I will try one if it looks cool. I have LOTS of pens.
22. My parents always told me that my middle name was ‘Grace’ because I absolutely have none in most situations. I have been known to walk into walls, doors, trip, fall and spill just about anything and everything.
23. Without my contacts/glasses I’m blind as a bat.
24. I keep a design book where I pick out furnishings for my dream home and clip things to put into it. My dream house is a log cabin on about 100 acres of hardwood with a lake or stream with a large garden and a few meadows.
25. I love my cat but I’m a dog person. I want a black lab and a great dane. I hate small dogs, they bother me and I’m always afraid that I am going to step on them or kick them accidentally.
I suppose I will update this as I go along . . . but here's a basic list for now!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Moving...
I do wonder why we doubt things at times. You know that feeling where you doubt everything in your life and think the worst? Well maybe you don’t. Coupled with the natural cycle of the month and emotions that I am dealing with regarding my father’s death, I have become my own worst enemy. I get lost in myself at times and can’t see past it. I hate it but it’s the way that it has been lately. I think it is because I haven’t really thought about the way that things are going rather than here and now. I need to get control of myself! I’m working on it.
As for everything else; I have been working out at least 3 times a week. I’m toning but I haven’t lost any weight which is a bummer. I have to eat better again. Not that I’m eating a lot of junk (well this weekend I did have some killer cravings…but that’s another story) but I’m not balancing it out correctly. That will change come this weekend though. Not too worried about it but it will come in time. Though I do have to say that I started out with resistance bands yesterday and they kicked my tail. (Don’t judge me! They aren’t as girly-man as I thought they were). After 45 minutes or so of cardio, which I got frustrated with because the Gazelle isn’t level on the floor, I went to work out with the bands that I had just gotten. After 15 minutes, I was done with it because my whole body was burning. Thing is, I only supposedly was working on my upper body…today my abs hurt (yes I have abs, they are under the fluff…), my neck and shoulders, my calves and my inner thighs have that wonderful post workout ache. Now, while it might seem like I am complaining, I’m really not. I enjoy the ache because it makes me feel like I actually did something.
My goal is high for myself. My short term goal is 20lbs by May 7 (my birthday) and then down 50lbs (total) by September 1. After that I will have roughly 25 more to go and I’m done. Then I will work on maintaining my goal weight. I can do it, I know I can. I plan on starting to run come May. Right now I am working on doing so a bit on the treadmill with my cardio. I’m pathetic with it, but once I get it up; I should be able to run.
As for other things, life is going along much as it is, with me or without me. I’m trying to get into the swing of things. Look for a new job and make some new friends. It’s slow going but hey, I’m going to get there. I’ve had a lot of bad days lately but I see that they are going to get few and far between as time passes.
As for everything else; I have been working out at least 3 times a week. I’m toning but I haven’t lost any weight which is a bummer. I have to eat better again. Not that I’m eating a lot of junk (well this weekend I did have some killer cravings…but that’s another story) but I’m not balancing it out correctly. That will change come this weekend though. Not too worried about it but it will come in time. Though I do have to say that I started out with resistance bands yesterday and they kicked my tail. (Don’t judge me! They aren’t as girly-man as I thought they were). After 45 minutes or so of cardio, which I got frustrated with because the Gazelle isn’t level on the floor, I went to work out with the bands that I had just gotten. After 15 minutes, I was done with it because my whole body was burning. Thing is, I only supposedly was working on my upper body…today my abs hurt (yes I have abs, they are under the fluff…), my neck and shoulders, my calves and my inner thighs have that wonderful post workout ache. Now, while it might seem like I am complaining, I’m really not. I enjoy the ache because it makes me feel like I actually did something.
My goal is high for myself. My short term goal is 20lbs by May 7 (my birthday) and then down 50lbs (total) by September 1. After that I will have roughly 25 more to go and I’m done. Then I will work on maintaining my goal weight. I can do it, I know I can. I plan on starting to run come May. Right now I am working on doing so a bit on the treadmill with my cardio. I’m pathetic with it, but once I get it up; I should be able to run.
As for other things, life is going along much as it is, with me or without me. I’m trying to get into the swing of things. Look for a new job and make some new friends. It’s slow going but hey, I’m going to get there. I’ve had a lot of bad days lately but I see that they are going to get few and far between as time passes.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Re-start Your Engines
I think being stagnant can equal extinction. I'm trying to get back on track with my life. I need to refocus outward because I have been focused so inwardly lately that it's probably not the best thing. Time to redefine my goals and get moving.
I started working out again this week and it feels amazing! I forgot how good it was to work out and just get into the zone for a while. I'm starting off slow with only 30 minute sessions but I should be back up to a hour by the end of next week. Then I am going to try and do two sessions a day. Back on a regular diet next week too. It's been kinda hodge-podge lately, basically whatever I have wanted, I have eaten. That's going to stop come Sunday. Back to a healthier diet. No problems there really, it makes me feel better when I eat right. I think I may make it my goal to learn how to run, I mean in the correct way, perhaps for a half marathon or something. But for now, I am going to just focus on getting healthier. By my birthday in May, I want to have lost at least 30lbs or so, which shouldn't be that difficult if I do what I am supposed to. Then by the end of the year if I get the total off that I want...I'm thinking of getting a tatoo to celebrate! (Though I am not sure, so don't hold me to it!)
The time for being stagnant has come and gone, the time to move on is here. Moving on will be good for me and soon, I will be able to get out and make my own way in the world.
I started working out again this week and it feels amazing! I forgot how good it was to work out and just get into the zone for a while. I'm starting off slow with only 30 minute sessions but I should be back up to a hour by the end of next week. Then I am going to try and do two sessions a day. Back on a regular diet next week too. It's been kinda hodge-podge lately, basically whatever I have wanted, I have eaten. That's going to stop come Sunday. Back to a healthier diet. No problems there really, it makes me feel better when I eat right. I think I may make it my goal to learn how to run, I mean in the correct way, perhaps for a half marathon or something. But for now, I am going to just focus on getting healthier. By my birthday in May, I want to have lost at least 30lbs or so, which shouldn't be that difficult if I do what I am supposed to. Then by the end of the year if I get the total off that I want...I'm thinking of getting a tatoo to celebrate! (Though I am not sure, so don't hold me to it!)
The time for being stagnant has come and gone, the time to move on is here. Moving on will be good for me and soon, I will be able to get out and make my own way in the world.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Update
I’m finally getting around to updating my blog. I haven’t updated in roughly two months. There are reasons for that. First and foremost, I lost my dad to esophageal cancer on January 20, 2010. I can’t exactly find the words to say more about that besides I am dealing with it but I feel like a part of my heart is missing. Since then, my life has been sort of topsy-turvy. I’ve moved, had to keep myself together and go back to the real world. Yeah, so that’s what’s going on with me…hopefully I can get myself together enough to start blogging and writing some more on here soon.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Hospitals, Holidays and Happiness
I can think of a million different ways that I would rather spend tomorrow; it’s going to be another full day at the hospital. Ugh! I would rather lick envelopes, be at work, or sit in traffic than sit at a hospital all day. I hate hospitals! They drive me nuts and make me very uncomfortable. My mom thought that I should be a nurse when I was younger but the only way that would happen is if I were in the mental ward pretending to be one. That’s the only way you are going to get me into the hospital besides pregnancy or something ridiculously serious; other than that, fat chance! And because I have to take a day off, I have to re-arrange my Christmas holiday. Which is actually nice is one way. I won’t be gone for quite as long and it won’t drive me nuts as badly because I know that it won’t be as long. That’s good but I won’t be able to spend as much time with my family who I only see once or twice a year. There are worse things.
I’m still torn about not spending Christmas in NH but I can deal with it. I was talking with my dad about the holidays and this is what went down:
Dad – ‘You know, they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.’
Me – ‘That’s not true, absence drives you facking nuts!’
It’s true though. I haven’t quite figured out how I am going to spend the time yet. Last time, being apart for 4 days, seemed like an eternity! But I will have to deal with it, only a text away. I have some plans though.
Speaking of Christmas, I tried to go Christmas shopping yesterday and just couldn’t focus on it in the slightest! It was so weird. I love giving at Christmas but nothing really caught my eye. So I have to get a move on here and get things together! Aside from that, it was the most wonderful weekend. I was extremely spoiled all weekend and ate up every moment of it that I could. So much so that I whined myself to sleep last night when I had to sleep alone! (Literally, I was completely pathetic and as a result I didn’t end up falling asleep until like an hour and half later!) It was an absolutely wonderful weekend. Period.
I’m still torn about not spending Christmas in NH but I can deal with it. I was talking with my dad about the holidays and this is what went down:
Dad – ‘You know, they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.’
Me – ‘That’s not true, absence drives you facking nuts!’
It’s true though. I haven’t quite figured out how I am going to spend the time yet. Last time, being apart for 4 days, seemed like an eternity! But I will have to deal with it, only a text away. I have some plans though.
Speaking of Christmas, I tried to go Christmas shopping yesterday and just couldn’t focus on it in the slightest! It was so weird. I love giving at Christmas but nothing really caught my eye. So I have to get a move on here and get things together! Aside from that, it was the most wonderful weekend. I was extremely spoiled all weekend and ate up every moment of it that I could. So much so that I whined myself to sleep last night when I had to sleep alone! (Literally, I was completely pathetic and as a result I didn’t end up falling asleep until like an hour and half later!) It was an absolutely wonderful weekend. Period.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Eh
I haven't blogged in about a week. Well, that's not really true. I have but they aren't published any more because they were very emotional and more of a personal journal entry than something that I should post here on my blog. Truth is, I haven't done a lot of writing lately. The occasional thought collection at the end of the night but nothing really more. I just haven't found the words to write lately. I suppose that's okay, I don't have to have them all the time but I hope this doesn't last for too long because I won't be able to stand it for long.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Internal War
My heart and my mind are at war with each other. They have been all weekend. I keep worrying that I love him more that he loves me but after Friday night how could I think that? Or that I love him differently than he loved me. I guess I’m still scared about being so open and my mother pointed out that it was so fast. But it was so natural too, and what does she know? She’s 700+ miles away! And yet, there is part of me that wants not to get my hopes up too high. I don’t have a crystal ball and I don’t know what is going to happen, that is true but my heart says differently than my brain. My brain says be careful, you aren’t promised anything. My heart says it is forever, say what you feel and go with it.
I feel like a teenager sometimes and very juvenile, very young. That’s a new experience for me. I just don’t want to say anything that might make me lose him in some way. Is that dumb? I don’t know. It seems irrational – if it was meant to be it will right? Then why do I feel so conflicted? I have been in love before, but it was different – nothing like this at all. Maybe it wasn’t any more than puppy love but love in the context just the same. I have never thought in terms of forever before but now I am. I know it’s early but I don’t care in my heart but my rational mind can’t seem to balance it out.
It’s not going to get any better either, is it? Damn… I guess it's just fear of the past and nothing more. I can deal with it though, no worries.
I feel like a teenager sometimes and very juvenile, very young. That’s a new experience for me. I just don’t want to say anything that might make me lose him in some way. Is that dumb? I don’t know. It seems irrational – if it was meant to be it will right? Then why do I feel so conflicted? I have been in love before, but it was different – nothing like this at all. Maybe it wasn’t any more than puppy love but love in the context just the same. I have never thought in terms of forever before but now I am. I know it’s early but I don’t care in my heart but my rational mind can’t seem to balance it out.
It’s not going to get any better either, is it? Damn… I guess it's just fear of the past and nothing more. I can deal with it though, no worries.
Holiday Upset
I'm upset. I don't want to have to choose and yes, it bothers me to have to. I know I made the plans previously but I don't like disappointing anyone. I am upset with myself, my life and my circumstances. Why doesn't anything work out the way that I want to? I wish I could finess something into working, but there doesn't seem to be any possible solution. I just can't do it. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Yes it does bother me, more than I want to admit. Yet another reason why I hate the facking holidays.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Ah me!
Things are going the way that they normally are. Up and down like a rollercoaster ride; could be better, could be worse. Dad wants to decorate the apartment this year, seeminly thinking that this is going to be the last Christmas. I don't blame him for wanting to make it special but I can't help but thinking about this being the last hoorah. Things are going in that department. Looks like they are going to put some sort of a stint in and then he has an appointment to check out his airways Monday or Tuesday. It is amazing how things work out sometimes.
Looks like I am also getting to bed earlier than usual tonight, that's a good thing. I can't burn the candle at both ends and neither can anyone else.
I had an amazing dream last night too. My dreams are becoming very vivid lately and it may be for a lot of reasons. The fact that I am in love is definitely one of them but also the fact that I am at peace in some regards is another one. I have decided one thing important today though and that is:
I can survive anything except death, 'cause that's kinda permanent!
Good philosophy eh? Hehe, my little efforts at making things brighter in times of darkness.
Looks like I am also getting to bed earlier than usual tonight, that's a good thing. I can't burn the candle at both ends and neither can anyone else.
I had an amazing dream last night too. My dreams are becoming very vivid lately and it may be for a lot of reasons. The fact that I am in love is definitely one of them but also the fact that I am at peace in some regards is another one. I have decided one thing important today though and that is:
I can survive anything except death, 'cause that's kinda permanent!
Good philosophy eh? Hehe, my little efforts at making things brighter in times of darkness.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Dumb Attempt
I made a stupid attempt at writing some fictional prose yesterday. It is completely stupid and foolish. I forgot the golden rule about writing: Write what you know. So even though I want to take it down, I will leave it there because I shouldn't delete it. Definitely retarded though and a half-arsed attempt at trying my hand at fiction.
Anyhoo - things are interesting around here. Busy and still trudging ahead on job applications. I have to move on, say a little prayer that it will go through soon before I drive myself nuts.
Anyhoo - things are interesting around here. Busy and still trudging ahead on job applications. I have to move on, say a little prayer that it will go through soon before I drive myself nuts.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Ramblings
I have been thinking about writing all day but I haven’t done it because I have been keeping myself busy with work or at least trying to. It took me twenty minutes to write a 12-or-so line poem at lunch today because I just couldn’t get the words that I wanted to out. It was interesting. Could be the crazy missing you feeling that I have going on or the fact that I keep thinking about other things rather than what I really should be doing. I should be writing and technically working, though that is really up for debate, but I find myself daydreaming about the oddest things and going back to old conversations and memories of the past.
The other thing that I have been thinking about is Christmas presents. I have a few picked out for people already that will do. This year I am just going to invest in a few bigger ticket items rather than all the little ones that I normally get. We will see what happens though in the end, I always go a little over the top for my brother and sister. (Not that they need it) But there are other people that I have no idea in the world what I am going to get them! But we will see what happens there. I hate thinking about Christmas this early but I have to budget it all in.
Anyways, I just thought that I would take the time to actually write something that makes me feel like I am expressing myself rather than another part of my mind. (If that doesn’t make sense, I understand)
The other thing that I have been thinking about is Christmas presents. I have a few picked out for people already that will do. This year I am just going to invest in a few bigger ticket items rather than all the little ones that I normally get. We will see what happens though in the end, I always go a little over the top for my brother and sister. (Not that they need it) But there are other people that I have no idea in the world what I am going to get them! But we will see what happens there. I hate thinking about Christmas this early but I have to budget it all in.
Anyways, I just thought that I would take the time to actually write something that makes me feel like I am expressing myself rather than another part of my mind. (If that doesn’t make sense, I understand)
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