My song is one of sorrow
Of heartache and loss
With deep notes of pain.
My song is one of love
Of romance and pleasure
With perfect echoes of harmony.
My song is one of change
Of twists and turns
With silences and peaks.
My song is one of anger
Of rages and passions
With sharp chords of fury.
My song is one of joy
Of highs and melodies
With lyrics filled with harmony.
My song is one of my own
Of my own voice and heart
With the window into my soul.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Waking Up With You
There is no place
That I would rather be
When the sun comes up
Then next to you
Listening to you breathe softly
Hearing your heartbeat
As I move closer.
To hold my body
Close to yours
Beneath the sheets
Generating comforting warmth.
Slipping in and out of sleep
Only to find you’re still there
Next to me
Sleeping away peacefully
And I’m in my own
Little piece of heaven.
That I would rather be
When the sun comes up
Then next to you
Listening to you breathe softly
Hearing your heartbeat
As I move closer.
To hold my body
Close to yours
Beneath the sheets
Generating comforting warmth.
Slipping in and out of sleep
Only to find you’re still there
Next to me
Sleeping away peacefully
And I’m in my own
Little piece of heaven.
For @Anokas13
When you walk
Be careful where you trod
Watch your feet
Hold your head up high.
Ignore the buzz of problems
Dismiss the wind of despair
Keep on your path
Slow and steady, step by step,
You'll reach the peak of your mountain
Before you know it.
Though the trees above
May blot out the sunlight
And bring your spirits down
Notice how the leaves are not perfect
They let light filter through
To guide you on your way.
Though there seems to be silence
Listen closer -
Hear the birds sing
And the crickets chirp
Along with the rustle of the fox
Each one, reminding you,
That you are not alone.
The path is rough
Full of rocks, steep slopes
No one said the climb through the woods
Would be easy
But every step is worth it
Every ounce of energy a victory
This is your battle,
This is your struggle
Know the goal is high
But the reward is sweet
Like climbing a peak to see
The sun set over the world.
Be careful where you trod
Watch your feet
Hold your head up high.
Ignore the buzz of problems
Dismiss the wind of despair
Keep on your path
Slow and steady, step by step,
You'll reach the peak of your mountain
Before you know it.
Though the trees above
May blot out the sunlight
And bring your spirits down
Notice how the leaves are not perfect
They let light filter through
To guide you on your way.
Though there seems to be silence
Listen closer -
Hear the birds sing
And the crickets chirp
Along with the rustle of the fox
Each one, reminding you,
That you are not alone.
The path is rough
Full of rocks, steep slopes
No one said the climb through the woods
Would be easy
But every step is worth it
Every ounce of energy a victory
This is your battle,
This is your struggle
Know the goal is high
But the reward is sweet
Like climbing a peak to see
The sun set over the world.
---------
Written just for @Anokas13
Monday, April 26, 2010
Life, spring...change?
With every step
A quiet victory
And with each breath
A simple definace.
Treading onward
Ignoring the fatality
Ignoring the futility
Dancing all the same
Regardless of the mist
Chasing our hearts
Robbing our flesh
Killing us slowly.
The dance is what matters
It's always what mattered
Some people only live to die
But others live to dance...
A quiet victory
And with each breath
A simple definace.
Treading onward
Ignoring the fatality
Ignoring the futility
Dancing all the same
Regardless of the mist
Chasing our hearts
Robbing our flesh
Killing us slowly.
The dance is what matters
It's always what mattered
Some people only live to die
But others live to dance...
“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” - Abraham Lincoln
If I have learned anything in the past 3 months it is that nothing is permanent and you never know what is around the corner. If you had told me 3 years ago that my father was going to die from cancer, I would probably have laughed at you. It's amazing how perspective changes so quickly and so greatly. I've been thinking about the above quote a lot lately. I don't know exactly why but I know it has a lot to do with a corner that I am turning soon.
I'm am actually looking forward to my 24th birthday here in a little bit. I think that it will be a good year, a year of healing and a year of new beginnings. I am trying to consider it my spring.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Untitled Lament
When the song
Is drowned out by sorrow
And the pain
Screams louder than reason
I find myself searching
Searching for that haven
Where rest comes easy
And sleep comes swiftly
Upon the wings of dragonflies
And the echoes of the wind.
When it aches
When it seems though
I can take no more,
I search, search for refuge
From the internal storm
In the starry sky
And the passing cloud
But each moment is fleeting
Passing into darkness
And restating the anguish.
I find no solace for
More than a moment
If each day should get better
Why does my heart break so?
Could I not find peace
In one breath of air
Or flying bird?
Alas my grief does covet
All my energy and attention
Though I know not how to weep.
Is drowned out by sorrow
And the pain
Screams louder than reason
I find myself searching
Searching for that haven
Where rest comes easy
And sleep comes swiftly
Upon the wings of dragonflies
And the echoes of the wind.
When it aches
When it seems though
I can take no more,
I search, search for refuge
From the internal storm
In the starry sky
And the passing cloud
But each moment is fleeting
Passing into darkness
And restating the anguish.
I find no solace for
More than a moment
If each day should get better
Why does my heart break so?
Could I not find peace
In one breath of air
Or flying bird?
Alas my grief does covet
All my energy and attention
Though I know not how to weep.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Burnt
You know what its like when every part of your body hurts and you're sore all over? That's how my heart feels right now. I'm so raw and I thought that it was starting to get better. I thought I was begining to heal but I guess not, still feels like an open bleeding wound. I don't want to go to this memorial service or rememberance service. I don't want to have to deal with doing the estate any longer. I don't want to have to do this anymore. I want to run away from this pain because I'm sick of it creeping up on me. I'm sick of the tears that come and go, the ones that soak my pillow at night, the ones that feel like fire on my face. I just feel so raw some days.
Yesterday was hard, it was 3 months yesterday. I was alone. I had a rough day. And I broke down before I could go to sleep. I didn't feel any better after crying. I feel like everyone expects me to be over this and I just can't be, I don't know how to be. I am going on with my life but my heart still hurts. It aches and doesn't seem whole. I don't think that I will feel whole again for a long time. I felt like I was going to be okay two weeks ago but now I just feel broken. I don't think I could handle another blow right now without just completely breaking down emotionally.
On top of all that, my boyfriend is in San Francisco for a week at a conference and I haven't seen him since 5am saturday morning. We've barely talked on top of that. So who cares if he is just three thousand miles away, it feels like a million miles away. When he gets back I won't be seeing him until Friday night probably. Since we started dating, we haven't gone more than 2 days without seeing eachother, so a break in the routine really sends me reeling.
I guess everything is just hard right now, there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait through it. I'm sick of just sitting on the side. Sick of all this, I need a vacation.
Yesterday was hard, it was 3 months yesterday. I was alone. I had a rough day. And I broke down before I could go to sleep. I didn't feel any better after crying. I feel like everyone expects me to be over this and I just can't be, I don't know how to be. I am going on with my life but my heart still hurts. It aches and doesn't seem whole. I don't think that I will feel whole again for a long time. I felt like I was going to be okay two weeks ago but now I just feel broken. I don't think I could handle another blow right now without just completely breaking down emotionally.
On top of all that, my boyfriend is in San Francisco for a week at a conference and I haven't seen him since 5am saturday morning. We've barely talked on top of that. So who cares if he is just three thousand miles away, it feels like a million miles away. When he gets back I won't be seeing him until Friday night probably. Since we started dating, we haven't gone more than 2 days without seeing eachother, so a break in the routine really sends me reeling.
I guess everything is just hard right now, there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait through it. I'm sick of just sitting on the side. Sick of all this, I need a vacation.
About Me
So I was asked if there was a list about me or something about me in general and I realized there was not really anything about me written anywhere except my facebook profile and even that was a little stark. Thus I embarked on writing this list about me; you can thank @spreadingJoy for the inspiration.
1. I am an absolute sucker for a good horror novel, Stephen King in particular.
2. I don’t watch all that much television nor many movies but I am a complete sucker for cheap/horribly made disaster flicks. You know those ones that run on SyFy all day and you can buy at Walmart in a five pack? Yeah . . .
3. I absolutely love people. I’m not in a position where I work with a lot of people at the moment but I love being around people and meeting new people.
4. If I had to choose only one thing to have in my life, for the rest of my life, it would be a family. I cannot wait to be a mother and a wife. If there is one thing that I can be good at – that’s what I want it to be.
5. I hate talking on the phone. I will email, text, twitter, facebook, talk in person etc. but there is something so impersonal about the telephone that I can’t get over.
6. I’ve never been to Florida – ever.
7. My ultimate goal in life is to be a published writer. I love to write and do it in one way or another every day.
8. I absolutely hate hot cereal – oatmeal, mapo, grits – you name it, I can’t stand it. I don’t like bananas either (I know I’m weird).
9. Behind the wheel I change into a completely different person. I hate people who cannot drive. Gas is on the right, get on it or get over! (AKA Road Rage Schizophrenia)
10. I can make a nickel spend like a dime. I have a knack for getting deals anywhere and everywhere. I coupon and can sniff out a discount lots of places…need help with an online deal? I can probably make that happen if you give me some time. (I’m just sayin’)
11. My worst fear is drowning – I won’t swim in the ocean at all, rapids scare me but I will swim and am a very strong swimmer. I still go to the beach often though.
12. I read a lot, anything and everything.
13. Too much caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. (Like I said, I’m weird)
14. I’m a diehard Yankees fan in the middle of Red Sox nation…I’m a fanatic regarding my boys. Nothing comes between me and Yankees baseball…seriously you should see my twitter feed on game days.
15. I can cook just about anything and am very good at it. I can provide samples for your approval.
16. I am quiet to some extent and won’t waste words; I never say anything that I don’t mean.
17. I enjoy being in the background for the most part and helping people climb higher and supporting them. There are times when I want the spotlight but those are few and far between.
18. I love musicals – I like performing in them even more! (yes, I can sing, I just don’t do it very often)
19. I am named after Tegan Jovanka a character in Dr. Who (the original)
20. I like to organize and make sure that things are in proper order BUT my room and my Jeep are ALWAYS a mess because they are my dumping grounds. (Don’t judge me! LOL)
21. I have a thing for pens . . . if I like them, I buy them and I will try one if it looks cool. I have LOTS of pens.
22. My parents always told me that my middle name was ‘Grace’ because I absolutely have none in most situations. I have been known to walk into walls, doors, trip, fall and spill just about anything and everything.
23. Without my contacts/glasses I’m blind as a bat.
24. I keep a design book where I pick out furnishings for my dream home and clip things to put into it. My dream house is a log cabin on about 100 acres of hardwood with a lake or stream with a large garden and a few meadows.
25. I love my cat but I’m a dog person. I want a black lab and a great dane. I hate small dogs, they bother me and I’m always afraid that I am going to step on them or kick them accidentally.
I suppose I will update this as I go along . . . but here's a basic list for now!
1. I am an absolute sucker for a good horror novel, Stephen King in particular.
2. I don’t watch all that much television nor many movies but I am a complete sucker for cheap/horribly made disaster flicks. You know those ones that run on SyFy all day and you can buy at Walmart in a five pack? Yeah . . .
3. I absolutely love people. I’m not in a position where I work with a lot of people at the moment but I love being around people and meeting new people.
4. If I had to choose only one thing to have in my life, for the rest of my life, it would be a family. I cannot wait to be a mother and a wife. If there is one thing that I can be good at – that’s what I want it to be.
5. I hate talking on the phone. I will email, text, twitter, facebook, talk in person etc. but there is something so impersonal about the telephone that I can’t get over.
6. I’ve never been to Florida – ever.
7. My ultimate goal in life is to be a published writer. I love to write and do it in one way or another every day.
8. I absolutely hate hot cereal – oatmeal, mapo, grits – you name it, I can’t stand it. I don’t like bananas either (I know I’m weird).
9. Behind the wheel I change into a completely different person. I hate people who cannot drive. Gas is on the right, get on it or get over! (AKA Road Rage Schizophrenia)
10. I can make a nickel spend like a dime. I have a knack for getting deals anywhere and everywhere. I coupon and can sniff out a discount lots of places…need help with an online deal? I can probably make that happen if you give me some time. (I’m just sayin’)
11. My worst fear is drowning – I won’t swim in the ocean at all, rapids scare me but I will swim and am a very strong swimmer. I still go to the beach often though.
12. I read a lot, anything and everything.
13. Too much caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. (Like I said, I’m weird)
14. I’m a diehard Yankees fan in the middle of Red Sox nation…I’m a fanatic regarding my boys. Nothing comes between me and Yankees baseball…seriously you should see my twitter feed on game days.
15. I can cook just about anything and am very good at it. I can provide samples for your approval.
16. I am quiet to some extent and won’t waste words; I never say anything that I don’t mean.
17. I enjoy being in the background for the most part and helping people climb higher and supporting them. There are times when I want the spotlight but those are few and far between.
18. I love musicals – I like performing in them even more! (yes, I can sing, I just don’t do it very often)
19. I am named after Tegan Jovanka a character in Dr. Who (the original)
20. I like to organize and make sure that things are in proper order BUT my room and my Jeep are ALWAYS a mess because they are my dumping grounds. (Don’t judge me! LOL)
21. I have a thing for pens . . . if I like them, I buy them and I will try one if it looks cool. I have LOTS of pens.
22. My parents always told me that my middle name was ‘Grace’ because I absolutely have none in most situations. I have been known to walk into walls, doors, trip, fall and spill just about anything and everything.
23. Without my contacts/glasses I’m blind as a bat.
24. I keep a design book where I pick out furnishings for my dream home and clip things to put into it. My dream house is a log cabin on about 100 acres of hardwood with a lake or stream with a large garden and a few meadows.
25. I love my cat but I’m a dog person. I want a black lab and a great dane. I hate small dogs, they bother me and I’m always afraid that I am going to step on them or kick them accidentally.
I suppose I will update this as I go along . . . but here's a basic list for now!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Miss You
Waking up reaching
No one is there
Just cold empty sheets
Another dream
Another night alone
I miss you
I search for your scent
On my sheets and pillows
But I can’t find it
It’s faded away
I search for a part you left behind
But there isn’t anything
Except for me.
Something’s missing
The space in between
The morning snuggle
The welcoming warmth
It’s not right
Nothing’s right
When I have to start the day
Without you beside me…
No one is there
Just cold empty sheets
Another dream
Another night alone
I miss you
I search for your scent
On my sheets and pillows
But I can’t find it
It’s faded away
I search for a part you left behind
But there isn’t anything
Except for me.
Something’s missing
The space in between
The morning snuggle
The welcoming warmth
It’s not right
Nothing’s right
When I have to start the day
Without you beside me…
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Untitled Journey Poem
And if all the splendid were to fall
Upon the downtrodden earth
Would not it be wasted in everyday life?
Would it not become a part of complacency?
Taken for granted on the paths we walk
Perhaps this is why suffering exists in such great magnitude
So that we are reminded
Nay, privileged when the splendid comes our way.
No one promised us ease on our journey
No one said the water would not be bitter
But the journey, not the path is the goal
That is perfectly attainable
If we wade through the swamps of suffering
To the small patches of splendid
Our feet will dry quickly in the sun
As long as we remember not to get bogged down
In the depths of our pain and troubles.
If our trials are like briars that scratch and braise the skin
We must remember that like nature time heals our skin
Light from within can warm like the sun
As long as we remember to keep it vibrant at all times
We must look for the sun through the rain
Shield ourselves from the wind to hold firm
But more than that, we must keep moving
Only mosquitoes can thrive in stagnant water.
Upon the downtrodden earth
Would not it be wasted in everyday life?
Would it not become a part of complacency?
Taken for granted on the paths we walk
Perhaps this is why suffering exists in such great magnitude
So that we are reminded
Nay, privileged when the splendid comes our way.
No one promised us ease on our journey
No one said the water would not be bitter
But the journey, not the path is the goal
That is perfectly attainable
If we wade through the swamps of suffering
To the small patches of splendid
Our feet will dry quickly in the sun
As long as we remember not to get bogged down
In the depths of our pain and troubles.
If our trials are like briars that scratch and braise the skin
We must remember that like nature time heals our skin
Light from within can warm like the sun
As long as we remember to keep it vibrant at all times
We must look for the sun through the rain
Shield ourselves from the wind to hold firm
But more than that, we must keep moving
Only mosquitoes can thrive in stagnant water.
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