College was a world in its own right. I fell in love with Huntingdon College when I first went through everything. It was grand. I believe that everything in the universe lined up for a reason. Walking around the school, the first person I met was my Admissions counselor and then everything seemed to fall into place. It was great and so I signed on. I got a pretty sizable scholarship to the school but it wasn't enough to cover everything so I had to find a way to pay for school. My mother didn't offer any help in the slightest at first. She didn't have any money saved up for me to go to college but I finally convinced her to cosign my student loans. But it was all on me and still is to pay for college. There wasn't going to be any help (she was also pretty mad that I turned down the other college that I got a full ride to!). But I paid for college myself and worked through every year to make it work and it did. Sure I was broke at times but what college student isn't?
While in college, I began to heal. I surrounded myself with great friends who liked me for me. It was interesting. I didn't have to hide anything with them. I remember one of my friends telling me that they never saw me cry and something must be wrong with me. I later learned that crying is not a form of weakness but a release that every person needs. While fighting with my mother in high school, I viewed tears as a sign of weakness, a sign that she had penetrated my thick skin. For the first time, shortly after, I broke down and cried. What a well of emotions came up in me but I had a friend hold me and take care of me. It was an uplifting and rewarding experience. I took the time to heal, little by little and made my way into the world.
One of the things that I also learned in college was how to have fun. I had forgotten and it was nice to have friends remind me how to do so. I went out to parties, out crusin', drinking etc. I let loose for the first time since I was ten but there was still enough inside me that I was always the one everyone counted on in a mess. It felt good to be the cool, calm me because my inside emotions had healed and I felt safe. I didn't have to go home very often so I really took the time to work on myself. But when the time came that I did have to go home, I took my new strength that I found and went. I found that each time it became easier and I didn't have to worry as much. There were still some tough times but I kept myself busy by working or going out with some high school friends and so on. But going home for holidays was the worst part of it all.
Holidays in my house are full of stress always (which is why I hate them for the most part) - everything has to be perfect in some way shape or form. Now there are times that I like things a certain way BUT this was just out of control. There was always yelling and running around before my grandparents got there and once they did, it was all smiles and fakeness. I hated it because I refused to be fake any more. The christmas that I came home from my sophomore year, it was really tense. I don't remember why but me mother started attacking me verbally in the kitchen on Christmas day, shortly after dinner. It wasn't even about something significant either, I don't even remember what it was about. But boy did she go after me and something happened. Instead of retreating into myself I began to become upset about it and I spoke back, smoothly and calmly. I remember that this ticked her off badly and she came after me even more but then my grandmother stepped in between us and told her to stop or else she would leave - and this was interesting. She told my mother she was being foolish and should just leave me alone and that I didn't do anything. (This is huge, because if you know my grandmother, she doesn't really get involved in things - she is a gracious and wise woman who is very careful with her words). I remember retreating to my room for a few moments and realizing that I was okay and that I had felt emotions about this. My emotions were there but instead of retreating from them, I dealt with them. I had discovered my emotions and it was a great thing.
Now when I talk about my emotions - you have to understand I turned them off and didn't have any for close to 8 years. I never really felt anything though I would go through the motions. I was in pain, like a scared animal, huddled in a dark corner crying. There are still times that I have to deal with my emotions and they aren't all that great. I have my days, but to have them is one of my greatest gifts. I like being able to feel things again and make sense of the world around me. Pain or pleasure, I will take them both because being numb is far worse than anything that can come my way.
So college was a time of healing and I take this time to wrap my story up. I won't take it to the present day because I am still dealing with some recent history. But I am thankful for my past, I wouldn't trade it for the world because as it is, it made me who I am today. While I know that there are some things that I am very mature about, there are other things that I am still naive about but mostly those are within me. My experiences have taught me many things and given me other things to work on. One of the things that I have to work on is my independence. I always refused to be dependent on anyone and I absolutely hate having to ask for help but there are times when I need to and I can't do it all. I also need to learn to depend on people, not be dependent but to trust them enough to do things for me. I learn more day by day and the day I don't learn, someone please shoot me.
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To be continued, day by day by day by day . . .
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