Oh my, I was a hormonal mess yesterday. Milton was right, this is all Eve's fault! LOL - Everything I did yesterday was some way to attack myself for something stupid and I realized that I am my worst enemy. I created everything about me yesterday - problems, conflicts, emotions, hurting people etc. Sometimes I am such an idiot that I have to laugh at myself. But luckily my friends made things better. Besides, for the first time in a while I didn't wear any make up, put my hair up in a ponytail, threw on jeans and a hoodie and walked out the door. I didn't care at all yesterday about anything but me - what a frickin stupid place to be in. Oh me, but that's over now.
So anyways, before I get to part two of my story, I need to put something out there. This story may make my parents look like horrible people but I don't mean for it to be that way at all. I love them both dearly. That being said, let's continue this journey.
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So at 13, I felt like I needed something to escape from home, but I never really found it. My friends were great but they didn't understand, they were used to doing whatever and had great parents. I wished for a long time that for one night I could have a normal dinner that I didn't have to cook or something else to do and just be a kid. But I lost the ability to do so. I felt like a 'cinderella' of sorts.
Worst of all, my mother and I fought constantly. But the worst part of it was the fact that she discovered how to get under my skin. So rather than hurting from the pain that I was caused, I shut down. I turned off my emotions, turned off me, and forgot who I was. I lived the motions and just existed. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough. I couldn't get high enough grades, my brother and sister were smarter that I was, my cooking wasn't good enough or something like that always seemed to come up. To put it mildly, my self esteem went from decent to non-existent. I lost myself to a dark place where I shielded myself. I used God as an excuse for everything and what a thing that was.
As high school drew onward, I found myself bitter, hurt and angry. Those were the only feelings that I knew and most of them were directed towards my mother. So in between my junior and senior year of high school, I filed for emancipation from my mother to go and stay with my father. My mother knew nothing about this until she got the papers to go to court. I was a real big *itch about it, honestly. With the magistrate, we set up that I would stay up there for the summer and at the end of the summer, I would be able to come home if I wanted. I didn't think that I would want to at all but stayed open to the possibility.
And that was it, I left. Period and I thought that I was in heaven! But all that changed very quickly. living with my dad wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I had the childish expectation that it would be like we were when I was little and it wasn't in the slightest. My dad was nothing like I remembered when I was a kid, he had changed, gone colder and more cynical. He drank and drove with me in the car and smoked pot in front of me (not that I have anything against it, but I was 17 and not an adult etc. etc.). But it hit me hard that to him, I wasn't his daughter more so that I was just another adult living with him. Sure there were still some family ties and so forth but it was different. He didn't expect anything from me and I felt almost like he didn't even notice me at all.
So I felt abandoned from both sides. But after a couple conversations with my mother and some letters from my brother and sister, I came home. It's a long story but there was something said that scared me to death and I had to go home. I did but that summer taught me something very important. There was not going to be anyone to take care of me but me and I had to step up to the plate and do so. I knew that if I were ever going to do something, that I would have to make my own way or stay trapped in the situation I was in. It looked more and more like college was the answer. But unlike my classmates, I didn't want to stay in state at all and only applied to two state colleges to appease my family. I got a full ride to college in NC but didn't want to take it. I needed out, I needed to make my own path separate from what I let others choose for me previously. So I went on an adventure and moved to Montgomery, Alabama to Huntingdon College. A small liberal arts college that I found online and decided to apply to. I never knew that I would have fallen in love with it like I did.
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That's the end of part two, if it seems a little spacy unlike my last entry, please note that the next installment about college with have a few flashbacks to what I experienced in high school because college is where I started to figure everything out. Okay then, until part three.
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