My heart and my mind are at war with each other. They have been all weekend. I keep worrying that I love him more that he loves me but after Friday night how could I think that? Or that I love him differently than he loved me. I guess I’m still scared about being so open and my mother pointed out that it was so fast. But it was so natural too, and what does she know? She’s 700+ miles away! And yet, there is part of me that wants not to get my hopes up too high. I don’t have a crystal ball and I don’t know what is going to happen, that is true but my heart says differently than my brain. My brain says be careful, you aren’t promised anything. My heart says it is forever, say what you feel and go with it.
I feel like a teenager sometimes and very juvenile, very young. That’s a new experience for me. I just don’t want to say anything that might make me lose him in some way. Is that dumb? I don’t know. It seems irrational – if it was meant to be it will right? Then why do I feel so conflicted? I have been in love before, but it was different – nothing like this at all. Maybe it wasn’t any more than puppy love but love in the context just the same. I have never thought in terms of forever before but now I am. I know it’s early but I don’t care in my heart but my rational mind can’t seem to balance it out.
It’s not going to get any better either, is it? Damn… I guess it's just fear of the past and nothing more. I can deal with it though, no worries.
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