Late at night, when I find myself alone with only my thoughts and the occasional purring cat wanting attention, I wonder about so many things. There is a lot of my mind lately. You would think in these late hours that I would find some sort of solace but I haven't really found any lately. I don't know where I am going and I feel really lost and stuck where I am. Things aren't going as smoothly as I would have hoped. I wanted a new job by now, I wanted so many things by now but they haven't really happened. Maybe there is some divine plan at work but I can't really see it all that well at the moment. I just don't know what to think. I haven't really written anything in a while and I want to but I don't really have it in me to write. Which, is itself, a very strange thing. As I am writing at the moment, it is more a segment of thoughts than really writing. I feel behind in everything. I know that I have a lot of work to do at my job but I find myself so apathetic and disinterested that I can't stay in that little 'Dilbert' world more than an hour without getting antsy. I really don't know how I am going to get out of it either. It seems as if the job market it stuffed with applications and only a few jobs. I don't want to be stuck in a job where I work autonomously either any more because that's just not me, I really need people.
So I guess this is where I am, stuck and lost. Will things change? Yes, they are going to have to because I refuse to sit on a plateau of any sort or become stagnant. I also am going to have to move soon and things are going to be different around where I am living at the moment because the dynamic is changing. Sadly but yet probably for the best. Things weren't exactly what I expected but they could have been a lot worse. All things considered, I am ready for my own space of some sort. Ready to have something to call my own. Ready for a home.
I think that is what has unsettled me the most, the fact that I feel as if I don't have a place to call home anymore. While I do sleep here, I just don't honestly find it my space or a home that I can call my own. I just feel unsettled and on egg shells, which is probably just my fault but I don't know what, if anything, could have eased that feeling. So that's what I am ready for, a home. A new beginning that is all my own and on my own terms without having impositions or anything of that nature upon me.
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