Thursday, May 20, 2010

4 Months - Continued

I just feel like a mess. I don't know how to make it better. I should be over this - it shouldn't feel so raw like it does. I guess it hurts worse because I gave up everything to come up here. All my friends, all my support to come up here and take care of my dad. But then again, I don't feel very lovable right now. I feel damaged and I don't understand how anyone could love me right now.

Mother Teresa said "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I don't understand this because if you love so much it hurts so much more. I wish I could understand this but I just don't. It doesn't seem possible to me right now.

I don't feel right, I want to run away from the pain, run away from it all and forget - but that will never happen. Not because I'm scared but because I am through with running away from things. Things have never been easy for me, I don't know why I thought things in my life were going to be right now. Here I am karma - where the heck are you??? Isn't it my turn to have the other side fo the whell and get some good fortune in my life?

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