Thursday, May 20, 2010

4 Months

It’s been 4 months. Time flies. It’s been 4 months. It still feels like yesterday.

I thought I was getting better. I thought I was healing. I thought that it would fade. I thought wrong. I’m still damaged. Still not whole. I don’t think it’s fair. With father’s day coming up, I keep trying to avoid the card stores. I don’t want to have to even think about it. I wanted to think it was all a bad dream or something. I don’t know what to do to help ease this pain. I am sick of living with this hole inside of me and so sick of having to deal with the pain. All things considered, I shouldn’t have to do this alone but that’s where I am, the only one who can take care of this. The one left with all the strings to weave back together.

My sister texted me and reminded me of what today was – 4 months. She’s hurting. She’s hurting and there is nothing that I can do about it. My brother won’t even talk about it. How am I supposed to fix it when I can’t even be there for them? How can I fix it for them when I am still a mess about it emotionally?

Stupid thing about cancer – leaves you reeling with no answers. No apologies. No more tomorrows.

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