Burnt

You know what its like when every part of your body hurts and you're sore all over? That's how my heart feels right now. I'm so raw and I thought that it was starting to get better. I thought I was begining to heal but I guess not, still feels like an open bleeding wound. I don't want to go to this memorial service or rememberance service. I don't want to have to deal with doing the estate any longer. I don't want to have to do this anymore. I want to run away from this pain because I'm sick of it creeping up on me. I'm sick of the tears that come and go, the ones that soak my pillow at night, the ones that feel like fire on my face. I just feel so raw some days.

Yesterday was hard, it was 3 months yesterday. I was alone. I had a rough day. And I broke down before I could go to sleep. I didn't feel any better after crying. I feel like everyone expects me to be over this and I just can't be, I don't know how to be. I am going on with my life but my heart still hurts. It aches and doesn't seem whole. I don't think that I will feel whole again for a long time. I felt like I was going to be okay two weeks ago but now I just feel broken. I don't think I could handle another blow right now without just completely breaking down emotionally.

On top of all that, my boyfriend is in San Francisco for a week at a conference and I haven't seen him since 5am saturday morning. We've barely talked on top of that. So who cares if he is just three thousand miles away, it feels like a million miles away. When he gets back I won't be seeing him until Friday night probably. Since we started dating, we haven't gone more than 2 days without seeing eachother, so a break in the routine really sends me reeling.

I guess everything is just hard right now, there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait through it. I'm sick of just sitting on the side. Sick of all this, I need a vacation.